You Understand? Really?

My friend expressed some concern about me not long ago. She is a newish friend and does not yet know much about having a bipolar brain. She knows even less about my particular brain and the life experiences it initiated and stored in its memory.

"You're not quite yourself today. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just in a funky place right now."

It's a good answer. Most people accept it easily and we move on. More importantly, I avoid thinking at a level which would prompt tears or temper. My friend, however, didn't like it. She pressed the issue. I don't remember the exact string of questions or my answers but I kept trying to politely and nonchalantly redirect the conversation. The only way to make her interrogation stop was to be direct and probably rude.

"Look, there's nothing wrong in the world around me. My bipolar head is just screwing with me. It's illogical, it happens, and I'll be fine."

What else could I possibly say? The 15 minutes we had together before going to work was not enough time to explain the meaningless anxiety churning in my gut or the darkness I was walking into. I didn't really want to explain anyway. I wasn't ready to share the very personal, raw details she was trying to elicit and her aggressive, albeit well-intended, poking for information has made me less inclined to share in the future.

Then she said, "I understand." The conversation could have, should have, ended there but I laughed and shook my head. It was a knee-jerk reaction and it was stupid.

We pulled into the parking lot at work. "Really. I understand."

Northern Goshawk

My mind commenced to spinning as a result of her audacity. Thoughts. Feelings. Images of "understanding" eyes full of pity. Memories of "understanding" voices telling me to suck it up. It all moved through me so fast that the only knee-jerk reaction I had was stunned silence and the inability to move. Long moments passed.

I scoffed and stepped out of the car. As we walked into the building we work in she continued looking at me. Her eyes oozed just how pathetic I was to her. She looked at me like I was a sad, little, wounded sparrow even though I felt much more like a Goshawk whose territory had just been invaded.

Those not initiated into the pain, euphoria, confusion, and chaos that bipolar disorder gifts to the fortunate sick and the people who love them do not understand.

Blog for Mental Health

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.

I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.


By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.


I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

D.J. Haswell, blogging A Midlife Adventure, pledged me. It's a fantastic blog. Thoughtful. Honest. Touching. Most importantly perhaps, it's helpful. D.J. gives me one more reminder that I am not alone.

Hind sight is 20/20. I think the short version of my story is best told backwards. My first, almost brave steps, came when I met D (for the sake of anonymity). This was the first person I ever met that was bold and outspoken about having a mental illness. Honest and upfront about having bipolar disorder, D opened a small box of courage inside me. I felt like I could finally admit to myself that something was wrong inside me.

Even so, I didn't seek professional help. The risk was too great. If the wrong people found out, all the therapy and medication in the world wouldn't be able to put my life back together again.

Ultimately, someone near and dear to me hijacked me. Under the guise of meeting my new general physician, I was driven to the doctor to get help. I was angry at being set up like that. It was a short-lived emotion, though. Talking to my gp about what was going on and how I was feeling, a strange kind of relief washed over me. The air around me didn't press down on my shoulders and back quite so hard.

After ten years of manic anxiety that made my skin hurt when someone touched me... ten years of nothingness depression that made me sink to the floor in uncontrollable tears... elation... rage... desperation... and everything mixed together.

Like so many others, my story is much longer than this. The point right now is not to write an autobiography or memoir. The point is, while my fears were real and I was taking a genuine risk, the improvements in my life are almost surreal. I have a shot at a real life. Finally.

I could not have done this on my own. It sounds cliche, but its true. D stepped up. I must respect that and step up, too. How many countless others only need to see someone, like D, like me, stand up?

I am pledging five of my fellow bloggers who have stood with me, and have proven their mettle in my eyes as mental health bloggers.

1. Hope for Life
2. Aaron's Journey For Mental Health
3. Anxiety in General
4. Laugh Now, Cry Later
5. Haru Haru
6. If you happen upon this without being pledged, I pledge you, too.  Feel free to take the pledge!  Promote awareness!

If you take the pledge please take the following steps....

1.) Take the pledge by copying and pasting the following into a post featuring “Blog for Mental Health 2013″.

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

2.) Link back to the person who pledged you.

That's me.

3.) Write a short biography of your mental health, and what this means to you.

4.) Pledge five others, and be sure to let them know!

5.) And, as something novel for 2013, Lulu and I [at Canvas] ask one more thing of you.

To introduce Blog For Mental Health 2013, and really build a sense of community — and show everyone how many of us there are, and how strong we are, coming together — we are launching a Blog For Mental Health 2013 Official Blogroll!  So, in addition to linking back to the person who pledged you, please include the link to this original post in your piece.  As this gets passed along, click here and leave a comment containing the link to your pledge, and we will put you on our Blog For Mental Health 2013 Official Blogroll page!

Show the world our

strength,

show them our

solidarity,

show them

what we are made of.

Take the Blog for Mental Health pledge and

proudly display the badge on your blog!

And may we all have a happy, healthy 2013!

I Love Photoshop.

I think the title says it all. Well, most of it. The picture below says the rest of it.
Please support me and NAMI by making a donation at http://namiwalks.nami.org/Jennifer.

Jennifer Clark (c) April 28, 2013

Y is for You

The photo was taken by my cousin Amy. I made the modifications by playing with Photoshop.

NAMIWalks take place all over the country. To find one near you go to http://namiwalks.org/

W is for Walk... NAMIWalk that is!

Time for the Walk.... the Austin NAMIWalk that is.

Shamelessly, I ask you to support me and NAMI by making a donation at http://namiwalks.nami.org/Jennifer.

The Austin NAMIWalk is a 5K walk that starts at West Riverside Drive at South 1st Street, Austin, Texas. It takes place on September 28, 2013 and people start walking at 9:00am (check-in is at 7:30am).

The walk taking place in Austin is only 1 of many taking place around the country at different times of the year. It's held annually for two big reasons:

1. to increase public awareness of mental illness
2. to raise money so NAMI Austin can fund the support, education, and advocacy programs offered (for free) in our community.

The view from the starting location of the Austin NAMIWalk

T is for "To This Day"

This TEDTalks video says it all.




For more information about the 2013 Blogging from A to Z Challenge see the website of the same name.

S is for Save the Date

Directly from the NAMI Austin NAMIWalks Website:

SAVE THE DATE for the 2013 NAMI Austin Walk:

Saturday, September 28, 2013

The Austin Walk is part of a nationwide program sponsored by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) that has two primary goals:

1. To increase public awareness about mental illness and the devastating effects that it has on the lives of millions of Americans – one in five families – every year.
2. To raise much needed dollars to help fund the wide array of NAMI support, education, and advocacy programs here in our community.

2012′s Austin Walk was a huge success with more than 2,000 walkers participating and a record-setting $258,000 raised for NAMI’s programs. Get ready for 2013 to:

• Recruit your family and friends.
• Rally your co-workers.
• Call on your communities.
• We can all help raise community awareness … one step at a time.

---

For more information about NAMIWalks Austin, please contact:
NAMI Austin Office: 512-420-9810
Email: namiwalks@namiaustin.org

To make a donation to NAMI Austin through me, go to the following website ...

http://namiwalks.nami.org/Jennifer

Let's made stigma disappear!

L is for Love those Pets

I can't help myself. The pets that walked with us in last year's NAMIWalk were fantastic. Besides, it's a good excuse for me to work on my tech-savvy skills.

J is for Jams

Photos taken by my cousin Amy (c) 2012

Before the NAMIWalk started last year, NAMI Austin pulled together a lot of wonderful things to entertain us in the morning while everyone was checking in and getting ready.

The morning was amazing! In addition to live music, we had a warm-up station where an instructor was leading people through stretches in preparation for the walk.

The 4-H Club put together a little pet place with water bowls arranged in a circle for all the furry walkers. They placed it too close to the stage, though. The loud volume scared some of the pets. I'm guessing they will put the pet station in a different location this year.

Scattered across the gathering place were beverage stations - coffee, orange juice, water. Other stations were providing small snacks, like granola bars, and bottled water. People were even doing face painting! NAMI Austin knows what it's doing.

Me? Not so much. It was my first year as team captain and I fumbled quite a few things. My team, for example, didn't have matching shirts like most of the other teams. The team captain before me provided everyone with bright, colorful leis and I forgot to do that. My team members asked for them, expecting them, and I didn't have any. Getting leis is on my to do list this year. Matching t-shirts is on my list, too.

I'm really excited about this. Can you tell?

Hotlines and Help

Hotlines can help, lend a hand, hold out hope.

Ease. Intercede. Slow the slide down the slope.

Lifelines are allies when we cannot cope.

Prevent the next death with assurance of hope.

by Jennifer Clark (c) April 2013

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK (1.800.273.8255).

For more information about the 2013 Blogging from A to Z Challenge see the website of the same name.
For more information about National Poetry Writing Month go to the NaPoWriMo website.

A is for Ativan

is for Ativan and Ativan is for anxiety. Anxiety is awful!

I know everyone experiences anxiety - it's part of the human condition. A certain amount of anxiety is to be expected and the level of anxiety is expected to correlate with whatever is going on in life. That's normal. I thought I experienced normal anxiety just like everyone else did. I was all grown up before I knew any different.

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Heat-Milk-Without-Scalding

When I was a little girl, I used to have a hard time getting to sleep and getting back to sleep if I woke up in the night. I was worried but I couldn't tell you what I was worried about. My mom was wonderfully patient with me, always climbing out of her own cozy bed and blissful sleep to help me with a feeling that I could no longer manage on my own. We walked back to the kitchen, lit only by the single, dim bulb over the kitchen sink. She warmed a few cups of milk in a small saucepan on the stove, stirring constantly. As an adult, I understand that she was keeping the milk from scalding. As a child, though, she was stirring in calm and love. Adding a teaspoon of sugar made it perfect. I sipped on warm milk until I was relaxed enough to climb back in bed.

The little ritual has served me well through the years.

For more information about the 2013 Blogging from A to Z Challenge see the website of the same name.

Reminders from a Tarot Card

10 of Cups; Spiral Tarot by Kay Steventon

I enjoy tarot cards. Whatever card I randomly pull from a deck gives me something to think about, something for my mind to focus on. It's been a strategy for slowing my thoughts for many years. The scenes and symbols on the cards have often been a reminder that amazing and wonderful things are around me and I find that I need those reminders because I so easily loose sight of that beauty and love in the messy challenges of life.

Today I needed to step out of my normal life and escape for a moment into myself. The picture to the left is the card that came out of the deck I shuffling. The following is what I saw and what I felt as I mulled over the imagery.

A woman, half solid and half ethereal, directs your attention to golden chalices emerging from a large vase. The chalices and other material from the vase remind me of a fire-works display, the vase looks like clay, and the entire scene looks beautiful, loving, and joyful.

What does this mean for me? It reminds me to take a look around. The universe is offering up many things to be joyful for. Love is falling all around me and all I need to do is look where the spirit, whatever you believe it to be, is pointing. The tens mark the end of a cycle, though; the ace is inevitable. This time of wishes granted and dreams come true will only last for so long. The woman will fade away and she will cease to pull gifts from the earth for me until the next cycle come around.

I hope you find the picture and my impression of it as helpful and hopeful as I have.

Mental Health Foods: Kale

I've been a little hung up on how diet affects one's mental health, or lack thereof. Most sites repeat the same instructions: avoid caffeine and nicotine, minimize sugar and salt intake. After reading that same, tired advice for the umpteen millionth time I was ready to scream. Someone, somewhere must have advice on what foods someone trying to manage a mental illness should include. Trying to find a nice, neat list of foods that are particularly beneficial to someone living with a mental illness, however, proved to be more trouble than it's worth.

Face-palm. I realized I was working on the diet issue backwards. Rather than starting with the illness, I needed to start with the food. Pick a food and learn about its nutritional value, about its impact on the human body, especially the brain. What food to start with, though? The contents of my refrigerator made the decision easy - a bag of kale and a package of chicken.

Kale, it seems, really is as good for us as we've been told. To my delight, it also appears to be a good food for people with mental health problems. Here's the breakdown of the good stuff in kale:

• Calcium. 15% of the calcium needed for the day is in a single cup of kale. The release of neurotransmitters in the brain requires calcium and a lack (or excess) of calcium has been connected to depression, anxiety, and mania. Calcium and Depression from Livestrong
• Vitamin B6. B vitamins are necessary for the production of neurotransmitters, the chemical messengers that cross synaptic gaps in the brain. They make communication throughout the brain and body possible. Vitamin B crucial to children's mental health, study finds
• Magnesium. That one cup of kale contains 40% of the magnesium we need each day. The increased rate of depression in the US compared to 100 years ago is thought, by some, to be related to the decrease of magnesium in the typical American diet. Magnesium and the Brain: The Original Chill Pill from Psychology Today
• Vitamin C. 200% of the daily requirement is in one cup of kale. Low levels of vitamin C have been connected to mood disturbances. Improved vitamin C levels coincide with better moods. Vitamin C Rapidly Improves Emotional State of Acutely Hospitalized Patients, Study Suggests
• Vitamin K. 1,020% of the daily requirement but apparently does nothing for mood or anxiety. Vitamin K-2 for Anxiety
• Potassium. Low potassium and mental illness are related. Insufficient potassium has even been implicated in the creation of mental illness. Low Potassium & Mental Disorders
• Iron. Depression, anxiety, and mood swings are symptoms that can emerge due to iron deficiency. Can Iron Deficiency Cause Psychological Problems? from Livestrong

Additional source: The Truth About Kale on WebMD

I know kale is good for us and now I know how beneficial it can be to mind and mood. Armed with some new knowledge, a bag of kale, a package of chicken, and the following recipe, I fixed up a great dinner.

Braised Chicken with Kale and Tomatoes

(based on Braised Chicken with Kale from MyRecipies dot com)

Ingredients

• 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil (divided)
• 4 chicken leg quarters or 8 drumsticks
• ground black pepper (to taste)
• salt (to taste)
• approximately 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 5 cloves of garlic, chopped
• 1 (16-ounce) package cut prewashed kale
• 1 (10-ounce) can diced tomatoes and green chilies, undrained
• About 20 ounces chicken broth
• balsamic vinegar

Preparation

1. Preheat oven to 325°.
2. Heat a dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add 2 teaspoons of vegetable oil.
3. Sprinkle the chicken with black pepper and salt. Place flour in a dish, and dredge chicken.
4. Place chicken pieces in dutch oven, and cook for 1 1/2 minutes on each side. Remove from dutch oven. You might have to add 2 more teaspoons of oil and do this step again, depending on how much chicken you are cooking.
5. Add remaining 2 teaspoons of oil to dutch oven. Add garlic and simmer for 20 seconds. Add half of the kale and cook for 2 minutes. Add remaining half of kale and cook for 3 more minutes.
6. Stir in diced tomatoes and chicken broth. Bring to a boil.
7. Return chicken to pan, cover, and bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes.
8. Serve chicken over kale mixture with a splash of vinegar (to taste).

Facebook Find

This week I found a great page on Facebook.

Advocates for Those with Mental Illness

It's only two weeks old and so far it has about 250 members. It's shaping up to be an active group of people from all over the place... United States. Canada. I think I've even seen people from Europe there. Personally, I'm enjoying the posts and conversations that are taking place. I think I've been introduced to more resources in the last week that I've been a member than I have in quite a long time. It gets a big thumbs up from me.