Spiritual Abuse - Atheist Style

I was reading a blog about spiritual abuse called "Led2Truth" recently. It struck a terrible nerve in me and sent me on a little research journey. It prompted a little soul searching, too.

Most people, surely, can relate stories of bad experiences in one church or another. I certainly have a few but I've come to terms with them. I've grown up, made my spiritual decisions, and I'm content with them. Why, then, did this blog about church experiences hit so hard? I'm prone to empathizing, easily taking on the emotions of the people around me whether they are physically with me, on-line, in print, or on television. It's rather annoying sometimes. This was different somehow. The posts triggered something from my own past.

When I found this site http://www.micsem.org/pubs/counselor/frames/spiritabuse.htm and this list, I understood.

Point #1. "Abusive church leaders in abusive churches are into power and control. Enroth writes, "The spiritual autocrat, the religious dictator, attempts to compel subordination ... [and] dominate-submissive relationships."

• My experience with this sort of abuse was not at the hands of Christian church leaders. It was at the hands of an atheist, an atheist I trusted, and I didn't recognize it for many years. The Atheist did an amazing amount of damage to me before I caught on. I'm horrified that I could be so blind and still feel guilty from time to time.

Point #2. Abusive church leaders in abusive churches are into dichotomous thinking. With them everything is black-white, either-or, this-that, us-them. Dichotomous thinking is generally expressed in overt or implied terms such as "we the true followers of Jesus" versus those others "who are not as spiritual as we are." Of course, dichotomous abusive church leaders are the judge and jury on who is or who is not spiritual, who is or who is not fully walking with Jesus.

• Same atheist. Comments I made, discussion we had, often ended with him being right and me being ignorant. He pitied me and explained that I was still under the control of a religion I no longer claimed to be part of. Scientists, which we were both trained to be, did not believe in any sort of higher power. If they did then they were not true scientists. Over time these discussion eroded my sense of self. Without a solid core of who I was, I relied on him for my opinions.

Point #3. Abusive church leaders in abusive churches are into legalistic perfectionism and perfectionist legalism. Again, legalisms are not about holiness; they are about power and control....

• Apparently atheists can fall into this trap, too. Rigid adherence to particular secular philosophies is just as damaging as doing so with spiritual ideas. His philosophies were right and mine were wrong. My views were explained away and after a while I started to believe the explanations. Certain traditions were done away with in his secular legalism. Do I bow my head, at least out of respect, with the rest of my family when my father says grace over Thanksgiving dinner?

Point #4. Abusive church leaders in abusive churches have a tendency towards isolationism. Some of this isolationism may be more social than physical. Abusive groups will not mix with the impure or with the unholy....

• We hung out with a particular crowd and had a rather elitist attitude. I didn't realize it at the time but we did isolate ourselves from certain people and certain world views. I'm ashamed to admit that I went so far as to cut long-time friends from my life because The Atheist did not approve.

Point #5. Abusive church leaders in abusive churches are obsessed with discipline and even excommunication. In some abusive Christian circles, to question the church leader(s) means questioning God Himself. Abusive Christians are so certain that they are right and that they have the mind of Christ that they can be extremely punitive if they are not obeyed.

• This one may not apply exactly. The Atheist never hit me or yelled me, if that's what is meant by punitive. He did shame me, though. If I didn't see things his way then I was just not as intelligent as he was. I was less mature, more like a child than an adult. Maybe my character had not fully developed yet? Truth be told, my character was dissolving away and I was less and less capable of trusting myself. 

Point #6. Abusive church leaders in abusive churches discourage church members' having contacts with people outside the fellowship, including family members. Obviously, church leaders that tell young people "Do not listen to your parents, listen only to us" should be suspected.

• Check. The Atheist did this, too. We didn't use the word "fellowship," of course. My contact was limited to certain people, people we considered friends. Family was definitely left out of the loop on many things. I saw them on a pretty regular basis, but some topics were not to be talked about. Their side of topics were explained into nothingness as coming from weak-minded, closed-minded, or uneducated people. 

Point #7. Abusive church leaders in abusive churches install surveillance systems (read "pastoral care") within their fellowships. Of course, for abusive church leaders a surveillance system is all about a spiritual concern regarding people's souls and how to best pastorally and brotherly look after the sheep of the flock. However, these surveillance systems go way beyond pastoral care. They are about power and control.

• Towards the end of our relationship this sort of behavior started. I was thoroughly cut off from any of the people who could have helped me see what was happening. The people who were in my life, fit squarely within The Atheists view of what life should be like and gladly reinforced his opinions when he was not around.

I get it. Now I understand why her blog bothers me so much. My relationship with The Atheist lasted for years and years. When certain traumatic events were occurring, my mind was so shocked that I finally saw some of the truth of our life. I weighed less than 100 pounds and my personality had disintegrated so much that I thought it would turn to dust. If it died so did I and I was well on my way.